Hi, I’m Kath, I’m chief pedant here at For Reading Addicts, and I’m going to tell you a story I’ve been meaning to tell for a while.
I’ve always read, I can’t even remember learning. I’m told my great granddad used to sit me on his knee and read the paper, and then I just read. I don’t remember this of course, but I do remember a childhood lost in books.
However, as I became an adult, although I still read, being a reader became something I did, not something I am. I would always have a book on the go, reading in the bath, in bed, in the waiting room, but reading didn’t really define me any more than watching television or drinking in coffee shops might define someone else.
Then life changed…
In August 2009 during the swine flu crisis my strong, fit ‘easily live to 110’ partner fell ill, he worked with the public so it was no surprise that he’d succumbed to an illness that was being considered to be of epidemic proportions. However, he didn’t get any better and within a few days started having breathing difficulties. As a simple precaution our doctor sent him for a chest X-ray that showed cancer in the lining of his lung, 99 days later I stood at his funeral and spoke.
People say you’ll never really understand grief until it hits you, and it’s probably the truest cliché ever written, and each of us cope in our own way. This blog isn’t here to tell you how to deal with your heartbreaks, it’s just me telling you my story. All I wanted was to escape myself, if I could have got up and run away and left myself, and my life and pain behind then I would have, but I couldn’t, so unconsciously I found I did the next best thing – I read, or should I say I reread.
For an entire year I reread every single book I had ever loved (the Harry Potter series twice). Each and every book that had made me happy during my life, I got lost in. I read during every spare moment and spent almost an entire year of evenings sitting on my bed reading, sometimes for six or seven hours at a time. It was the only single way I could escape my mind and my thoughts, and put quite simply, having that escape and being able to dive between the pages of a book saved my life.
I’ve never really stopped reading since, I am now not just a reader, but a dedicated, self committed bibliophile. It started when people started noting how much I was reading, suddenly I was being defined differently by society, by my friends and peers and by the people around me and I embraced it. The next year I read all the classics I’d always meant to read eventually, I started taking an interest in literature in general, a book became more than a vessel for a story, but a weighty thing that kept me grounded and offered solace.
In time I would come to launch For Reading Addicts, and running the page and the website gave me something to throw myself into, something to be passionate about again, and something to fill the many hours I spend alone and it remains my passion today. Put simply, For Reading Addicts would not exist without my loss, and maybe in the end all that is left for us to do is take the good we can from the huge hole that grief leaves in our lives.
I will apologise now for any grammatical errors, this was hard to write and so I won’t be rereading it, I’ll just hope it makes sense and maybe offers solace to someone else.
If you ever wondered why I am so passionate about For Reading Addicts, and how I have stayed committed for so long, now you have your answer.
Reading saved me, and so did all of you.
The Devil all the Time adaptation coming to Netflix
Kath: I as well learned to read pretty early in life … I’d memorized passages from Shakespeare and Edgar Allan Poe before I knew how to ride a bicycle … One line in The Raven: “… in my books, surcease of sorrow” … Since the loss of my beautiful daughter, Laura, to suicide in September of 2014, I have sought the elusive “surcease of sorrow” in my books … Books seem to connect us to souls we will never meet and most that have never existed at all except in minds of their creators … If books can do that, than I have unmitigated faith that there also I will find the living spirit of my daughter and an understanding of both her trials and her journey … Your wonderful FOR READING ADDICTS page continues to be inspiring and is indeed a part of my own healing process … With gratitude for what you do, Paul …
Thank you, Paul. What a lovely response. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Wauw, this story feels so familiar. Not only one i lost my grandfather this summer and i couldn’t be at the funeral. But also it reminded me of my teenage years in which i was bullied. And without the books i read so much there i would never finished school, or even be alive today. I am sure of that.
Books helped my deal with everything, but at the same time gave me relief of it all. An hidden corner where i find peace and people seemed nice.
So i feel more i should thank you for your story.
Eline
The day my husband died suddenly in 2013 it also took my ability to read. I miss my husband that goes without saying but I also miss being able to fall into a book and just lose myself there for hours . I long for the day when being able to read for any length of time comes back to me. I used to read prolifically at least 5 books a month. Now I’m lucky to get 5 a year. I am managing one every so often now so maybe at 2.5yrs into this new life I am coming back a little. I read different stuff now. Some YA and more crime and thriller. I cannot be bothered with chick lit and romances anymore.
We all grieve differently I have learnt. In this alone I wish I could still fall into a book. X
I am so sorry for your loss Kath. I have always been very drawn to your website and FB posts and now I know why. I too lost my husband to cancer (in Oct. 2008) and I too took to books to try to cope with the grief. Although not only did I reread favourites I also devoured every grief book going. This surprised no one since I have always turned to books for knowledge, peace and escape. When husband was first diagnosed I also read every cancer and medical journal I could get my hands on. I find that I have recently turned to books again recently after the death of my sister in June. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know how difficult it is to see our tragedies in print. Peace and hugs to you.
Your story resonates with me. I was reading long before I went to school and reading has helped me through life. I have recently been diagnosed with cancer and once again reading makes it possible for me to deal with life. I can lose myself in a book and not stress about the situation.
I am so sorry for your loss. I grew up reading books as a child because I was extremely awkward and depressed from an early age. This year has been very tough for me, I had a miscarriage a month ago and my career is not panning out the way I had hoped. Looking for another job is depressing and I don’t take rejection well. It’s so hard to cope with tragedy and disappointment that is completely out of our control. Life can be so unfair and I miss the days where I could get lost in a good book and hide from the world.
I’m going to do what you did. I feel the need to escape myself as well, but since I’m married with kids, I can’t literally pick up and leave. But I love your idea, I am going to reread every single book I had ever loved as well. I like to play video games so I’m going to throw some audio books in there as well. I have every book I’ve ever read listed on my Goodreads account so I’m going to make a shelf called “Therapy Books”.
Thank you for sharing your story, rehashing past pain is very brave. Thank you for reminding me that our books are here for us and can help heal our soul.
Dear Kath
Thank you for your courage in sharing what must have been the worst time in your life. Unsurprisingly I was attracted by your title because my husband and soulmate died of cancer at age 52 five years ago. I don’t read books about grief like Victoria, I have done some re-reading but I do find I have to be careful what I read because if I read something too close to my experience it fires all my sadness again and I weep. I have started reading non-fiction pretty much for the first time and at night I like detective stories written in the 1920’s and 30’s. I find they distract my mind with no nasty surprises. I love “For Reading Addicts” Thank you.
I’m sorry for your loss too, and I appreciate the sharing. During a grief experience of my own, I found what worked for me was to dive back into the fiction from my childhood that had brought healing, like Little Women and Anne of Green Gables. Since I had saved dozens of such novels, it helped get me through. They were all books with heroines facing tough things who overcame and thrived in the end. Hopeful endings!