Jacob Rees-Mogg’s Victorian history book flops spectacularly

Jacob Rees-Mogg, haunted pencil covered with human skin that works as a British Conservative politician, published his book on Victorian history in May 2019 and has received a weak response.

The adult version of ‘Walter the Softie’ from The Beano wrote the 500-page historical non-fiction in the hopes to make some extra cash to perhaps top up his Scrooge McDuck pool, but to date it has only sold 734 copies. The regretful publishing house that grabbed the title before anyone else, Penguin Random House, were not prepared for the abysmal reviews and shockingly low purchase numbers. Many reviewers and historians are left wondering why the publishing house didn’t read The Victorians: Twelve Titans Who Forged Britain before putting their name to the title.

One publisher pointed out that a book about adjustable spanners has actually outsold Rees-Mogg’s book, and excitingly there is a second volume of ‘Adjustable Spanners: History, Uses and Developments since 1970’ already in the works that will probably also outsell the pompous Edwardian child-catcher’s book.

Reviews of The Victorians: Twelve Titans Who Forged Britain have not been kind to say the least with many calling it boring, clichéd or shallow. Historian A.N Wilson described the book as “staggeringly silly” in a Times review, and in a recent interview on BBC radio said: “Well, I mean, this isn’t really a history book. This is a political manifesto.”

Rees-Mogg’s elitist views come shining through as he writes about the theft of the Kohinoor (diamond) as if it was ‘given’ to Queen Victoria, and describes colonial Sir Charles James Napier, who worked for slave ship traders and helped massacre thousands in the Punjab, as some sort of hero.

It is doubtful, however, that the cursed mannequin from a gentleman’s outfitters cares much for the poor sales figures for his book as he already received his £12,500 advance.