Literary Insult of the Week

We already give you a Word of the Day and a Thought of the Day here at forreadingaddicts but we thought we might add to our regular content by giving you all a really good weekly insult.

There have been many famous people who are renowned for their quick wit and sharp tongue but I am sure there are many of you just like me, who suffer from treppenwitz and only ever think of a suitable comeback five minutes too late.

What follows is a selection of Literary Insults from books, theatre plays, authors and the like. We hope you enjoy them but even more, we hope you get to utilise them.

June 3rd 2016

“A freakish homunculus germinated outside of lawful procreation.”

Yikes Henry Arthur Jones certainly left no confusion as to how he felt about George Bernard Shaw.

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May 27th 2016

“His mind was like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it could hold a small amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody’s lap.”

Author Irving Stone makes his Political opinions clear when talking about politician William Jennings Bryan.

Buy The Agony And The Ecstasy US
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May 20th 2016

“He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.”

I’ve no idea who Ayn Rand aimed this little gem at, I’m just glad it wasn’t me.

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May 13th 2016

“He couldn’t see a belt without hitting below it.”

When discussing Lloyd George, socialite and author Margot Asquith wasn’t backwards in coming forward.

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May 6th 2016

“Failure has gone to his head.”

playwright, raconteur, and entrepreneur Wilson Mizner offers up a cuttingly simple insult.

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April 29th 2016

“If men’s minds were like dominoes, surely his would be the double blank.”

Ha ha I wonder how many womens’ are double sixes? This week’s insult is from the inimitable P.G Wodehouse. 

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April 22nd 2016

“Thine face is not worth sunburning”

From his play Henry V, William Shakespeare offers up one of his many wonderfully descriptive insults.

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April 15th 2016

“You bloody old towser-faced boot-faced totem-pole on a crap reservation.”

I have no idea who Kingsley Amis is aiming this vitriolic diatribe at but I’m just glad it’s not me!

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April 8th 2016

“She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly.”

Poor Gertrude Stein, obviously Clifton Fadiman didn’t find her prose overly exhilarating.

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April 1st 2016

“He could not blow his nose without moralising on the conditions in the handkerchief industry.”

Oh dear it seems that George Orwell’s opinions were not always held in high esteem.

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March 26th 2016

“He would make a lovely corpse”

Short and sweet from Charles Dickens.

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March 18th 2016

“Thou woldest make me kisse thyn old breech, And swere it were a relyk of a saint, Though it were with thy fundement depeint!… I wolde I hadde thy coillons in myn hond… Lat kutte hem of”

Geoffrey Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales: “You’d have me kiss your old trousers and swear they were the relic of a saint, even though they’re stained with your s—… I wish I had your balls in my hand… I’d cut them off.”

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March 11th 2016

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

Mark Twain perfectly sums up in one sentence the way I feel about so many people ha ha!

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March 4th 2016

“In my mind, Martha, you are buried in cement right up to your neck. No… right up to your nose… that’s much quieter.”

Edward Albee pens this perfectly brilliant insult in his novel Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf and I can safely say that after reading that, I’m afraid, of Edward!

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February 26th 2016

“Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.”

Oscar Wilde has obviously never breakfasted with me then! I am a scintillating soul at breakfast time and utterly fascinating the rest of the time; now where is my pebble collection?

Buy Collected Shakespeare US
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February 19th 2016

“The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.”

G.R.R Martin states the obvious, although having read his Song of Ice and Fire saga I feel the man would rather enjoy nipples being placed on anything!

Buy A Song of Ice and Fire US
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February 12th 2016

“An unmanly sort of man whose love-life seems to have been largely confined to crying in laps and playing mouse.”

W.H Auden doesn’t pull any punches when asked for his opinion of Poe.

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February 5th 2016

“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”

Oh the times I’ve wished for a quip such as this. Cynthia Heimel, gives us the perfect exit line.

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January 29th 2016

“He looks like a horse in a man costume”

A little artistic licence here, this quote is not from an author but a character called Bernard Black from a television series called Black Books. He is perfection personified.

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January 22nd 2016

“Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.”

I would love to be able to hear for myself Oscar Wilde’s deliverance of his many delectable insults.

Buy The Importance of Being Earnest US
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January 15th 2016

“I couldn’t possibly have sex with someone with such a slender grasp on grammar!”

Russell Brand displays his usual eloquence with this divine put down.

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January 8th 2016

“I am not interested in emotional fuckwittage. Goodbye.”

Who doesn’t love Bridget? This is one of my favourite quotes from Helen Fielding’s novel Bridget Jones Diary.

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January 1st 2016

“All morons hate it when you call them a moron.”

A classic insult to start off your 2016; from J.D. Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye.

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December 25th 2015

“Come and get one in the yarbles, if you have any yarbles, you eunuch jelly thou.”

Said by Alex in A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess and seriously, who doesn’t threaten a person’s yarbles occasionally?

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December 18th 2015

“May Your Genitals Sprout Wings and Fly Away”

Who else but the wonderful Terry Pratchett would want a sky full of obnoxious genitalia?

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December 11th 2015

“You blithering idiot! … You festering gumboil! You fleabitten fungus! … You bursting blister! You moth-eaten maggot!”

Alliteration at it’s finest from Roald Dahl’s Matilda.

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December 4th 2015

Every time I read Pride and Prejudice, I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

Mark Twain’s scathing opinion of  Jane Austen; me, I’d have just stopped reading it.

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November 27th 2015

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.

The delectable Dorothy Parker on her abortion as quoted in You Might as well Live by John Keats.

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November 20th 2015

“He’s not human; he’s an empty space disguised as a human”

We live in a world filled with these empty spaces don’t we John Fowles.

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November 13th 2015

“Your hair wants cutting”

Succinct perfection from Lewis Carroll.

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The Literary Gift Company

November 6th 2015

“I misjudged you… You’re not a moron. You’re only a case of arrested development.”

Ha ha Hemingway I could use this more often than you would imagine.

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October 31st 2015

“I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.”

Oh Oscar Wilde you vicious vicious man.

Buy The Importance of Being Earnest US
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October 24th 2015

“She is nuttier than squirrel poo.”

The perfect comeback from J.K Rowling.

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October 17th 2015

“If your brains were dynamite there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.”

From the wonderful Kurt Vonnegut and his rather unnerving SciFi novel Timequake.

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