Authors and Writers Offer Unique Funeral Service

Writer Dana Schwartz has come up with a unique business model- Mysterious Funeral Goer.

The author of And We’re Off, and memoir Choose Your Own Disaster, offered to stand at the back of a funeral with a massive black umbrella, looking mysterious. For a small fee, of course.

Fellow authors and humorists of Twitter, including our favourite Neil Gaiman, got involved to either take her up on the offer or to join the enterprise. A surprising amount of people were up for it, prompting Schwartz to promote her latest book in place of Venmo donations.

Photo by Emily Assiran

A while ago Schwartz created a parody Twitter account called @GuyInYourMFA based on her own experiences with people she encounters in writers’ workshops and with @DystopianYA, she tweeted about the tired tropes in young adult fiction. Those accounts have since been retired but are still available to read through and enjoy.

Schwartz’s humour is a thread through all of her work, from criticisms of pop culture in Entertainment Weekly to her playful memoir formulated like a ‘choose your own adventure’ book. I, for one, would love to hire her to stand and look mysterious at my funeral, in fact I would pay extra if she would also recite a cryptic poem before running off in hysterical tears.

If you pay me $50 I'll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) 3 January 2019

my venmo is dana-schwartz-11 I will need the money deposited in advanced, and your obituary will need to be published in a newspaper so I can write a code on the back and leave it at your grave for someone to find. the code will be nonsense.
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) 3 January 2019

People were willing to get involved…

How much to arrange for a solemn child to hold your hand at the same time?
— Robin Hart-Jones (@Roblex) 5 January 2019

I need another 1000 bucks to find someone who could create an artificial rain of sorts to make it more intriguing.
— Sreedhar Iyer, Author🖋️📘 (@sreedharIyer) 5 January 2019

Dana, could you visit me in a nursing home and/or a dementia ward in a grim reaper’s outfit carrying a scythe, in about 30 years?
— Ned (@gr8ful_ned) 5 January 2019

Ill give you $75 if when the casket is going down you walk over and place a small box on top and say only loud enough for a few people to hear "if they only knew"
— dick (@spursyyank) 5 January 2019

Or how about as the burial ends, taking out your phone, ringing someone and just saying “it’s done” before pausing & hanging up, then just turning and walking away?
— Dave Nevett (@_GLB) 5 January 2019

Neil Himself was up for it

If you promise to dab your cheeks from time to time with a black lace handkerchief you’ve got a deal.
— Neil Gaiman (@neilhimself) 3 January 2019

Brilliant. Should I put it into my will, or just send you the $50 and trust you to show up and make people think I was interesting?
— Neil Gaiman (@neilhimself) 3 January 2019

Obviously, you'll need all the help you can get. But you can trust I'll be there (don't make it for a while).
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) 4 January 2019

Donations to her Venmo started coming in so she pushed her latest book instead

EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO FIND A VINTAGE CIGARETTE HOLDER STAT. I HAVE A FUNERAL TO MOROSELY GAZE UPON. pic.twitter.com/hOeQcSggdX
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) 3 January 2019