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10 Literary Badasses You’d Want Backing You up in a Bar Fight

By May 26, 2017November 10th, 2021Discussion and Recommendations, Literature

Picture the scene: You’re in a quiet pub or bar, catching up with your friends and telling one another about the latest books you’ve been reading. Suddenly a group of rowdy drunkards come over and start hassling you. Being the good natured bibliophile you are, you try to politely brush them off, but they’re just not getting the hint. Suddenly the unthinkable happens. One of the goons picks up a book from your bag, creases the spine and then, to your horror, tears out a page. Patrons rush to leave the bar as fast as they can as you flip the table and snatch your book back. It’s only then that the thugs realise your friends happen to be 10 of the most badass characters from fiction. As fisticuffs ensue, you feel reassured to know you’re being covered by the following tough cookies…

 

Lisbeth Salander – The Millennium Series, Stieg Larsson

To look at, Lisbeth doesn’t seem all that intimidating. As a skinny young twenty-something, Lisbeth is often underestimated by her enemies in the Millennium series, and she uses that to her advantage. What Lisbeth lacks in physical strength she more than makes up for in determination, swiftness, and her astounding intelligence. With a photographic memory, Lisbeth is able to absorb a huge amount of information and uses this ability to become an expert hacker. What she may not be able to get through brute force, she can always obtain via a bit of hacking and blackmail.

Despite not having the same brawn as some of the other characters listed here, Lisbeth is still a force to be reckoned with when it comes to knocking the snot out of someone. Lisbeth is often found practising kickboxing and has dedicated herself to being self reliant following a highly traumatic childhood that left her abandoned in the hands of evil men. Compelled by a strong, if flawed, sense of justice, Lisbeth never forgets a grudge and can quite easily bring even the mightiest to their knees with a laptop and her hacking skills. Failing that, she’ll just use the laptop as a weapon.

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Gandalf – The Hobbit/The Lord of the Rings – J.R.R. Tolkien

For many, Gandalf is the stern but kindly wizard who is friend to all Hobbits and is often the voice of calm and reason when everyone else are preparing to draw swords. However, you’d be a fool to mistake the old wizard as little more than a conjuror of cheap tricks! Behind Gandalf’s friendly demeanour and dazzling fireworks lies a force of untold power that was capable of destroying even the mighty Balrog and bringing down the evil reign of the Dark Lord Sauron.

Gandalf may be slow to anger but, once unleashed, his wrath can be terrible to behold. Whether in his grey or white form, this is one wizard that could make even Voldermort run for cover. It’s not just his magic you need to watch out for, armed with a razor sharp Elivish sword named Glamdring, that even glows blue when Orcs are nearby, Gandalf can still kick ass the old fashioned way should his staff be in for repairs. Did we mention he also has a super loud booming voice which could give even the most macho of thugs a stern dressing down?

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Sherlock Holmes – The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

The world’s greatest detective is most well known for his genius mind, after all, the crime novels would be far less compelling if Holmes simply resorted to battering the truth out of suspects. Whilst Holmes’ main weapon is certainly his incredible intellect, he is still shown to be more than capable of holding his own when push comes to shove.

Both Holmes and Watson frequently carry revolvers with them when embarking on a new case and Holmes is shown to be handy with a number of weapons over the course of his adventures. As any gentlemen of the time would, Holmes is often seen carrying a cane which he uses as a makeshift weapon thanks to his knowledge of singlestick fighting. The Sign of the Four novel also reveals that Holmes is a skilled bare-knuckle boxer and Holmes once or twice uses fisticuffs to defeat his adversaries. Holmes would no doubt prefer to solve conflict with his mighty brain but, when there’s nothing else for it, he’s perfectly capable of delivering a damn good thrashing.

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Aslan – The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis

Like Gandalf, Aslan isn’t the sort of perso…Lion who goes looking for trouble. In The Chronicles of Narnia he plays more the role of a teacher and guide than a brawny warrior looking for a fight. That said, Aslan is still a huge lion and, when there’s no alternative, Aslan isn’t afraid to get his claws dirty. Not only does Aslan have his impressive size, claws, and teeth to dispatch foes with, he is also a magical being and is often cited as Narnia’s version of Jesus.

Good creatures all across Narnia both respect and admire Aslan so, if you decide to pick a fight with him, you’re also picking a fight with most of the magical creatures found across his kingdom. All nobility and magic aside, he’s a lion, who’s going to really pick a fight with a lion and expect to come out on top?

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Arya Stark – A Song of Ice and Fire, George R.R. Martin

The Game of Thrones series may be based in fantasy, but it’s every bit as dark and gritty as real history. There’s no place for weakness in the land of Westeros and those who wish to thrive must be tough as nails. There are plenty of character’s from Martin’s epic series who could single handedly bludgeon the brains out of any ne’er do wells looking for a fight but we’re going to go with one of the toughest cookies in all of the Seven Kingdoms; Arya Stark.

Like Lisbeth Salander, Arya doesn’t appear to be very frightening at first, she is only a child after all, but the misfortune she suffers over the course of the books turns her into a true survivor who knows both when it’s best to play it safe and when it’s time to “stick ’em with the pointy end.” Her character arc has seen her encounter many of the most fearsome warriors Westeros has to offer and she’s trained with several of them too. The trauma she has endured both emotionally and physically has shaped her into a cold blooded killer and, perhaps most dangerously, she really doesn’t have anything to lose. Arya Stark is the kind of fighter who wouldn’t stop kicking just because they’re down. We’re glad she’s on our side!

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Beowulf – Old English Poem

Unlike many of the characters on this list, Beowulf was not interested in self restraint or finding common ground. If there was a fight to be had, Beowulf was first in to prove his mettle and earn honour, fame, and glory. The legendary Geatish warrior is one of the most well known mythical figures of all time and his exploits inspired many great writers from recent history, including the great Tolkien.

Beowulf is most famous for taking on and slaying both the monster Grendal and his mother. When it was discovered that no weapon could harm the monster, Beowulf improvised and instead used his fists to subdue the creature. When Grendal’s mother came for revenge, Beowulf went and faced her in her lair and managed to slay the enraged beast with the help of an enchanted greatsword. In later life, Beowulf went on to win more glory with feats like swimming home in full armour following a raid and becoming the king of Sweden. All in a day’s work for this badass.

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Alastor Moody – The Harry Potter series, J.K. Rowling

They may be mainly aimed at young readers but the Harry Potter series still has some pretty dark themes mixed in with all the magic. It’s easy to think it’s all chocolate frogs, Quidditch, and wingardium leviosa, but this is also a series in which there’s a spell specifically designed for torturing people. The villain is essentially a terrorist, and, most terrifyingly, there are giant spiders. In world where such destructive and powerful magic exists, it only makes sense that some hard knocks known as Auroras are required to keep evil witches and wizards under control.

Considered to be one of the greatest Aurora’s of all time, Alastor “mad-eye” Moody is essentially the Harry Potter equivalent of a bounty hunter who brings rogue wizards to justice. Magic is a dangerous business and Moody is described as having suffered large facial scars, a missing leg, and missing eye from his various battles. He may be on the side of the good guys but it’s easy to see why even the Hogwarts students stay out of his way. We can only hope that he and Gandalf would get along!

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Pippi Longstocking – Pippi Longstocking, Astrid Lindgren

Pippi Longstocking may not seem like an obvious choice for this list given that she’s a young girl from a beloved children’s book (how did she even get in a bar?), but that doesn’t stop her from being a badass. For many young readers, Pippi is the first heroine they may have encountered and she’s a great role model for young girls to aspire to, especially considering how many children’s fairytales feature women only as damsels for the hero to save.

Pippi may seem like a scrawny redhead but she possess immense strength and is shown to be able to lift her horse with only one hand! Like other great heroes on this list, Pippi is slow to anger but certain circumstances can rouse her ire. On one occasion she becomes furious at a man for mistreating his horse. No doubt she and Arya would make an excellent team!

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Iorek Byrnison – His Dark Materials, Phillip Pullman

We’ve already got a lion on our side with Aslan, but it can never hurt to have more than one ferocious looking animal backing you up. Like Aslan, Iorek Byrnison may look like a mere animal, but in reality he’s so much more. Whilst he may be perfectly capable of ripping a foe limb from limb, Iorek is a bear of great integrity and intellect and would rather talk things out than resort to violence.

As if being a polar bear isn’t enough, Iorek wears strong armour that allows him to remain unharmed from even the most savage of attacks. Iorek is the rightful king of his homeland and, after returning from exile, challenges and kills the bear that took his rightful place. Iorek may be a loyal and noble friend, but you really wouldn’t want him as your enemy.

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Geralt of Rivia – The Witcher Series, Andrzej Sapkowski

Much like the Song of Ice and Fire series, Sapowski’s Witcher novels explore a fantasy world where often it’s the humans who are the real monsters. Geralt of Rivia is a Witcher, a hunter who makes a living collecting bounties on dangerous creatures that roam that land. When the dog has gone missing and you think there are strange noises coming from the nearby woods, it’s Geralt you call upon.

Intense training, genetic modifications, and decades of experience of monster hunting have left Geralt a battle hardy killer capable of taking down the fiercest beasts and most skilled warriors. Covered in scars from past battles, armed with two longswords, and able to tap into magical abilities, Geralt is the sort of guy even the bravest of knights avoid. When monsters start going bump in the night, Geralt does a lot more than simply bump back.

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